This has been the first year of my life where I've actually felt 'old.' I realize that "old" is a relative term, but what I'm talking about is that for the first time that I can recall - I'm not shrugging off notable benchmarks. When I turned 25, it was easy to think "25 isn't really all that old, its only a few years out of college," and while it is a quarter of a century - it was easy to still feel "young." 26 didn't really bother me either. That's just an example. There's all kinds of things that you don't dwell on simply because of your perspective. Maybe that's it. Maybe my perspective has finally changed.
If I'm being honest with myself, part of it probably has to do with the fact that I've been alone for so long, and I'm starting to get the beginnings of 'The Fear.' Obviously people much older than me have worked things out and settled down, but just the fact that that thought even crosses my mind is new to me. The other part of it is just that I'm having trouble rationalizing the standard benchmarks anymore. I can't find any wiggle room to make myself still think, "I'm still pretty young." The fact that I'm even TRYING to rationalize seems like evidence to the contrary.
The most recent event that triggered the "ugh - I'm really not that young anymore" feeling was my niece friend-ing me on Facebook yesterday. It seems like I held this tiny wrinkly baby not all that long ago. Now she's a tall teenager updating her Facebook relationship status (single, thank god) and posting on people I know's walls. That sort of forced me to shift my perspective a little. For example, I really don't see her parents any differently than I did when she was born. They don't seem or act or look that much older than they did then. I deluded myself the same way - thinking that I'm not that much older either.
But I am. I said to someone this week, "I'll be 27 this year." And as soon as I'd said it, I felt heavier. 27 seems like its on the downhill side of your 20s. (Again - this is all relative. I don't look at either of my brothers or my sister-in-law and see any of them as "old" even though they're in their 30s.) 27 just has some kind of intrinsic property that resists rationalizing it as still being young. 26 was a stretch, but 27 isn't bending to my will the same way. I'm okay, though. I'm not all that concerned with feeling young anymore. What's the point? Why did I think that was a good thing to be? I have new benchmarks for myself, and while they might seems thousands of miles away (literally and figuratively) - just the idea of being okay with where I am as I am is apparently a constant struggle for all ages. And I need to learn to deal with that.
So here's to growing up. And to the flexibility of your own perspective.
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"had a talk with my old man - said 'help me understand'
he said turn 68 - you'll renegotiate...
don't stop this train, don't for the minute change the place you're in
and don't think I couldn't ever understand, I tried my hand
John, honestly, we're never gonna stop this train..."
2 comments:
Whew, that's a heavy topic for a Tuesday morning.
I think a lot of "unattached" people that are around our age or older get "The Fear." And to be frank, being afraid sucks. But I have to have faith that God wouldn't instill in me that want and desire to get married and have a family someday if it wasn't a part of my "plan." I think it's all in the timing and for some of us, for reasons that are beyond our understanding, it just takes longer. Be patient! :)
I kind of feel the same way about turning 27, but I guess I try to think of it this way - age is just a number and you are only as old as you allow yourself to feel. So bring it 27!
p.s. That's probably my fav JM song.
Thank God this kid is turning 26, 27 sounds like a total bummer :) But seriously WE ARE YOUNG! Like my man Kanye says, "Don't rush to get grown, drive slow homie". As for "The Fear" at least we are all facing it together, could be way worse!
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