Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
I guess this is where the 30 days get a little heavy, but I said I'd do it...
When I got out of college, I had a really good girlfriend and to make a very long and complicated story short (and to avoid trying to make excuses) - I was petty and short sighted and elected not to move in with her and foolishly thought we had more time before we needed to think about getting married, when in fact I should have been giving her a ring right then. I wasn't ready to proverbially 'settle down.' Anyways, I sucked as a boyfriend and she left and it wasn't for several months until I realized exactly how much I'd fucked up. The kind of fuck up that you don't come back from. Especially knowing how much she enjoyed where she ended up and the amazing friends she'd made. You can't, in good conscience, ask someone to leave that much positivity to take a huge gamble AGAIN. Of course, I was in a pretty bad place this whole time, and DID ask her to take that gamble. I wasn't in good conscience, okay? Really, an argument could be made that the fact that I did ask her to do that showed that I wasn't really worth the gamble. A better person would let her go. That's really easy to say but much harder to do. Not having contact with her makes me feel dead inside, and every day is a brave face, a complete farce - pretending I'm okay with I'm totally not, hoping that eventually I'll fool myself into actually being okay. But I know its the right thing to do.
Anyways, its 100% my fault that she left to begin with, and I've considered myself a piece of shit ever since. Things probably have turned out for the better for her, so I need to work on forgiving myself for the choices I made just out of college. Lots of kids don't grow up fast enough, but hopefully most don't have to pay as big a price for it as I did. Its an easy mistake to make, and I think I've let it get to me long enough.
